I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
