I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
