so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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