DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have feelings that need drinking.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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