If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
