remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize