remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
