I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
