I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
These tits shall not be calmed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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