I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
