I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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