Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We left the knife in your bed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
