Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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