he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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