I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
