the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
