I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So apparently I’m into choking now
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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