i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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