Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
