Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i think my cat just said my name.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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