kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
