paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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