what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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