Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize