I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ketchup is God's man juice
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
