sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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