Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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