i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
