i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
handjob tips. give me some.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
