1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
