I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
