I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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