If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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