don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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