I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
