so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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