there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
