At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
