I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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