I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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