Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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