Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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