I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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