I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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