Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
