Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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