I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Randomize
