sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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