I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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