Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
