then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
