I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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