I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
