i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
