I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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