we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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