On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
