dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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