dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
